I am attempting to extend my parameters... The flow of positive events is truly random, while the negative is expected and predictable (what can go wrong will go wrong, as long as you "know" what can go wrong, it will), as my days flux and warp into globs of unconscious being, they appear to have never happened at all and disappear into mist. Time itself is the generator of emotional strife, as it becomes more and more apparent the more we stay down in our pit of hatred and inhumanity. Every day is highly contrasted between extreme ups and downs, possibly due to my own anxiety and mental struggle, as I search for something which is already within me yet eluding my grasp at the moment. I'm looking, but possibly looking directly past it.
I have been told I have a strange set of priorities. Something's off, something is always bothering me, tugging at my mind and eroding my ability to perceive anything as gray, equal, not set in stone but not flying erratically. The lights flicker at times within my being, as if the wiring is faulty. I have attempted in the past to delete all previous models of my perception of being to allow the vortex within to guide me, but I don't believe anyone has actually attained this state, for it would take the rest of humanity (including you and I) with it. I don't think we can at this point. Not yet, as long as time cyclically regenerates itself and gives the illusion of passing moments which we fall prey to...
My black and white thinking (as evident in my drawings) can no longer support itself. I don't perceive myself as being worthless any more. I never did, but took the perceptions of others as being more truthful than my own. I wonder if my thoughts which I perceive to be those of others (through some analyzing process I am growing to dislike) are actually my own, the flow of others filtered through my inner eye and ear creating a false reality in which I can never attain peace or acceptance. I now take all perceptions into deep consideration, and they morph into one omni-present model of something which is merely a scaled-down (or up?) shell of the real thing. Even now I feel as if this thing is speaking through me, it has been loud and clear in my mind for a while now. I am tired of feeling as if reality's walls could come crashing down violently any day now. I feel blinded and helpless as the strike of Gnosis which once coursed through my mind and being fades into obscurity, with only the residue and memories of the journey repeat in my mind like a film projector. Except when I first attained this spark of knowledge I saw it as a revelation of the inevitable end of our seemingly blissful existence, but in a very bad way. Since then I have dropped theories and thoughts which once took a deep root in my fear-base and chipped away at whatever sanity I had left. I realized I was enjoying searching for more evidence, searching for more clues, and that if I was truly enjoying it, it could not be harmful to my true self...
I remain suspicious at all times, but it is pre-programmed. I am meant to feel this way by an overbearing "something" which reigns on our planet, destroying every living thing in its path. To drop our fear of this hideous creation, this false god, would be to no longer fear anything at all. It is that which we cower to on a daily basis, we wish for it to accept us at any cost, the great god of wars and famine, of pestilence, of horror and torture. I feel as if I am incomplete at times, as if there is something which would make me more "whole" if I were to possess it. This is not what I wanted, it is the opposite of being one at peace. This blog is a compilation of the evidence of my unconsciousness, my rapidly accelerating and decelerating hope and faith in all things. I feel that if we seek only "peace" we are simply ignoring the darkness and iniquity which does exist. We are staring at one where there is two.
My brain hurts a little now, so I know I am on the incorrect path, flushing the waste of my thoughts into the electronic-mind toilet. True, unprescribed enlightenment for all beings is my one wish. The path may be worn but it is rooted firmly in our collective dreams...
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