Looking for Signs

I will occasionally check to see if she's contacted me. I'm glad that I don't feel this way all the time, I'm not sure I could handle it for any longer than a day, even though I wonder how she is every day it seems.

I occasionally dream of her, of going places and seeing things, only to wake up to the crudity of my real life, distanced from all I wanted and hoped for. Back to a primitive state in which I am re-living my childhood, locked up in a house with nowhere to go, no fake money, nothing except sustenance and entertainment. Some people call this life... I need to do things with my time, I am not happy wasting away just waiting to die at my age. I need to create something, I need to interact with other humans, I need to move around and continue looking for the clues which will point me towards whatever it is we're all looking for. I'm sick of waiting to receive gifts from others, of being dependent on their good will.

I hold out my hope that she will reappear in my life at random as she always has. Chances are she has found someone new and is no longer where she was before, somewhere far away and I will never see her again. It's not like I haven't been through this all throughout my life, it just always finds a way to make me forget everything else and it's all I can focus on.

I don't want to forget about her. I have a feeling that when you think of someone you create a connection and they "just happen" to be thinking of you at the same time as well. This means she thinks of me every day (probably not, and I have to wonder how insane I am for thinking what I say is true). I don't know why we put eachother through this pain. She is convinced love is merely a chemical produced in the brain, I told her it is the only thing holding our existence together. She is not looking for someone, neither am I, we are looking for what makes us happy, and at one point it was our interaction. I don't know when it stopped being that way, but I have a feeling it was entirely my fault.

It seems like when I tell myself I'm not going to think about her today that it comes on the strongest. I can see past what little flaws she has, but mine are far too much for her to handle. It's something between us which she probably thinks should be private, but I want everyone on the planet to know how I feel about her.

Call this an empty endeavor, call me a romantic idealist, but I know that what I felt between her and I was true. I don't know how much longer I can handle this separation.