The Light Within Surrounding All

Earlier today I reached a sort of crossroads - Unfortunately one of the paths open to me was ending my own life. Realizing this as counterproductive, I began a meditation. I became conscious of my entire body limb by limb in great detail, to build an energetic model for use in neural dimensions. I then used my consciosness "cursor" to activate the main chakra points in my body, leading from my tailbone and up to the top of my skull. I feel my consciousness exploring energetic pathways within myself, feeling this flow of energy as a buzzing, warm lightness moving through me and twinkling with the stuff of stars. I used my consciousness tool to collect and direct energy from energetic absorption centers (hands and feet) into a somewhat obscure energetic storage unit located below the navel, which will then distribute this energy equally to the chakras automatically. I feel abuzz with this starlight radiating within me, this etheric fuel.

I began to focus on my breath as it heaves in and out, slowly and surely. The texture of my breathing takes on an oceanic quality, like waves rolling in and drifting back out, over and over and over. There is nothing else happening besides my breathing. It is like traversing a mobius strip - the breath does not end, it merely cycles. So I feel as a sort of immense, oceanic energetic web of consciousness merely existing. It feels more real than day-to-day life. It feels like being in the arms of a goddess. Nothing else matters... I am within my temple and I am working towards a greater understanding of my universe. Internally, I become a feather, within a mental body with a nervous system of its own translated from my physical body (or is it the other way around). I begin floating downwards, ever so gently, ever so relaxed with this new sensation paradox. I allow it to happen, I let myself fall, as if there were a million arms waiting to catch me whenever I reached them. I sense my newly perceived internal environment moving up around me as I float downwards, not fighting the current, not giving in to fear. Just being at one with this feeling of trust within myself. I have become the consciousness tool which I used to become aware of my energetic body. I am slipping into a state of celestial awareness, a transformation into a timeless galactic essence. The structure of the universe beyond space and time is my new dwelling place. A cascade of non-thought information is flowing seamlessly into my awareness.

I begin to spin within myself. I feel my new energetic being interacting with my physical surroundings. Without my mind to tell me what is possible and what is not, I float in circles around the room, touching the walls. Slow drips of thoughts prevent me from exiting entirely - this is always the case. I am ecstatic all over my new body as I separate from my old body and touch each wall, in front of me, left and right, behind, above. I feel myself expanding within the room until I cannot fit in it, then shrinking down until the ceiling of the room feels like it's in outer space. My awareness, using the model of my nervous system, stands up and walks out of the room, down the hallway, down the stairs, into the living room, into my kitchen, opening the fridge, closing it. I feel like I'm made of velvet and all of my surroundings are velvet as well.

I go back up to my room and attempt to exit my body completely, as all of the actions I've described above were commanded from the "HQ" of my physical body, not entirely separated from it. I begin a projection exercise in which I climb a "user-created" rope in an internal simulation of outside world physics. I feel my hands on the rope pulling my shiny new velvet body up and out, but I do not project entirely. I feel rapid eye movements and energy flowing through me, but I do not "separate". This is nothing new, and something I've come to accept, as it will happen when I have reached a point where I can really learn from the experience of being out of my body. In the meantime, I breathe in and out, and this is all that I need while I explore internal worlds with new senses beyond the five that we use on a daily basis. I find something within myself through my new sensory organ: a message of peace, of mystery, of a way of Being beyond anything we have known before, always within us, waiting for our return from our journey through the space and time it has created for us to interact with ourselves.

might as well

vomit my thoughts into my blog. I'm not angry these days as much as I am just drained by everything. I am witnessing this strangely beautiful play of forces of will, but it's all rushing by so fast that I cannot pinpoint one single thing to focus on. My recent times have been marked by the depression which I have found will return no matter which decisions I make, no matter what path I take. I find myself feeling suicidal more often than usual, wanting to float into nothingness to find some sort of relief from the pain that I feel. It makes it hard to really make any progress, to really find worth in anything.

I feel myself entirely immersed in the Sync Web rather than observing it. I cannot pinpoint the differences in a sort of sync-less reality used for reference from one filled with meaningful coincidence. It's all blurring together and making even less sense than it ever did. I feel like I won't make it past this year if things keep going the way they are inside of me. But I have been in this place many times before and always seem to make it out... This time, though, I am putting up much less of a fight. I am giving in to what hurts me, I am submitting to the pain. I don't want to fight it anymore, I will probably ride this downward spiral until the end.

I feel my spiritual debt is very steep indeed... But I find it strange that I have followed the path of my intuition and found worth in things that really matter to me instead of what matters to everyone else, and I have still found myself circling the drain. I'm not entirely sure what to do anymore.