Pissed Off

Don't read this if you're not interested in knowing a darker side of me.




The pilot light for the heater in my room has been out for at least a month and it is cold down here. I have to sleep with two blankets and a hoodie on. I don't know how to re-light it without causing a huge explosion, and my dad won't do anything about it because he doesn't know how to do it either. We are hurting due to the economy, and I basically have no financial future right now without selling what little I own. Everything available to me for sustenance is coated in harmful chemicals and the only jobs I can get are menial and dehumanizing. I have only had one contact lens in for a month and my dad is so distant and doped up that I can't reach him to take me somewhere and I can't afford to take an eye exam with my current bank account balance. I'm getting bad headaches and there is fiberglass insulation dust falling down here constantly, potentially giving me cancer (along with all the cigarettes I smoke, I got addicted to a carcinogen just to take breaks at my stupid job) and all the other rooms in the house are spoken for unless I want to sleep on a couch in a room my family passes through often. I feel like I'm dying a slow, obscure death.

Something needs to change. I can't deny that I have issues which I can see past but still hold an effect. My life is humiliating except for the moments that I spend alone or talking with the only friends that I have left.

This community here, this Brotherhood I've willingly joined, is extremely important to me. Nothing brings me more joy than sharing ideas and theories on "existence", making progress and exploration in any form. I like to spread the virus I call my sense of humor and I love cheering people up.

My ex-girlfriend told me right before we broke up that she thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder. If you read about it somewhere, you might find a picture of what you think of me. I believed her at first but then read more on psychological disorders and realized that pretty much all of them are inherent in every human I've ever met. My ex is smarter than any other person I've ever met personally but she is so rational minded that most of my ideas go right over her head. We broke up in 2006, and we didn't talk for 2 years until I randomly sent her a message expecting her to shrug me off again but she said she would love to talk again. So we talked on the phone for at least 8 hours over 3 days, she said she loved me and I said I loved her too. The next day I was planning on asking her to go out with me again. I was so thrilled to be a part of her life again that I went out and got plastered. I called her up at 4 in the morning (I knew she would be awake) and she noticed I was acting strange, not in the drunk sense but in the "you're overly loving" sense. She asked if I was planning on asking her to go out with me, and I said Yes. "Oh no," she says. Her heart wasn't in it. This was devastating in my intoxicated state (and probably still would have been had I not been drunk), and I ended up calling her the next day, trying to get her to understand that relationships are supposed to be about love and connecting and overcoming, not about financial situations and material objects and clashing mental states. After 3 days of unsuccessful attempts, she threatened to call the police on me for "stalking" her. I couldn't believe it. I haven't said a word to her since and probably never will. This all transpired in June of last year.


I don't want to keep secrets and I can't just hold everything inside because I don't have any close friends to talk to. I'm going to sleep, and hoping that some solution to these problems will appear in a dream. The personal negativity rabbit hole goes deeper but these are things which are becoming serious. The real "me" is far more complex than these distractions will ever be but I can't ignore them any longer.