I never imagined I would go through the pain that I did last year. Shortly after my ex-girlfriend refused to take me back into her life, my mother died in a hospital in Arizona of complications from HIV and severe head trauma. She got the head trauma from a man who gave her a ride, and she told me she didn't know why he did it. I had a chance to talk to her on the phone after she disappeared for 3 years in early 2008. Before that, she had disappeared in 1993 until 1996, when she returned with HIV. My dad took her back into our home because they couldn't afford to get a divorce. They never showed any signs of love toward eachother. My mother instead poured all of her love into me, and I returned it. My older sister hated me because of this, and still does. My father and I were always distant. My mother always told me I was smart and I picked up on her interest in the paranormal and her artistic ability. The day that she died I nearly got arrested with my friend because we were parked on the wrong side of the road for a minute and someone had been stealing cars in the area, but we both know my other friend's grandmother called the police on us because she suspected my friend had stolen her car, but he had his own car which we were in. It was an awful day during which I was numb and colder inside than ever.
I have my reasons for being down. I'm not goth, the last person who called me that was 5 years old and it was on halloween. The butterflies inside build up until I can't hold in whatever it is that's bothering me anymore. If there's anything I've learned about friendship, it's that no one will ever come to me looking for my friendship, I always have to seek the other. When I refuse to do that, I could be mistaken for a hermit I become so quiet and unresponsive. It's not that I don't know how to live with myself, I've already been through the game of material reality and I've left it, highly disappointed with the outside world which I had so idolized during High School, expecting it to be different. I couldn't have been more wrong, as it actually moves backwards once you get out and the people in it only become more and more immature and complacent with the opiate of security.
When I was in Atlanta I met a nice girl who worked at Smoothie King and started to talk to her. She was only 18 but knew Japanese and was in college. The first "date" we went on, she announced halfway through that she was interested in BDSM. This left me kind of shocked. She immediately caught on and seemed embarrassed, but I said "I'm open to new things" and we kept talking and hanging out. We never did anything, because I actually don't like pain in the least but she was nice, pretty, smart and funny and I wanted to see her more. I was trying to get her to think twice about what she was getting into. She told me she wasn't interested in being in a relationship at the time but she sure seemed interested in me. Ever since I moved back to Michigan she stopped talking to me so I'm guessing she has found someone else and I'm worried what she's getting herself into.
No comments:
Post a Comment