Questions...

I feel ashamed... I want to ask so badly what I'm getting wrong. I know inside that no one else can tell me. I am constantly questioning my own thoughts, particularly concerning "evil" and who I've chosen to blame. Jake's new post came to me after a deep meditation, as they usually will. After reading this one, I had that usual feeling that my perception has been bent towards something bad and that he was showing me the true way. I attempted to post a comment in response, but my mind couldn't reach any conclusions. I think he would like that, considering the way I've made myself look like I have no idea what I'm talking about... It's solely out of respect for him and his work, which I feel has a GREAT deeper meaning than what I am instantly perceiving. My heart is with him all the way.

My understanding of symbols is that they are neutral, and I honestly feel that they are being manipulated by elite societies to be perceived as "bad". Am I the one making the symbols' appearance seem inherently bad? That isn't my intention... I am merely presenting them the way they are presented to me. I feel a low-level blockage is obstructing my view of their true meaning! It is kind of maddening. In Jake's old work, here's what I "got" out of it, to be crude: Someone is putting the symbols there, to bend our perception of what they mean, yet the force which IS those symbols and the fact that we're seeing them is good and can be quite personal. That led me to the conclusion that everything I had read previously (which I really didn't want to believe, due to how horrifying it was) about Freemasons was true and that they were trying to control the world. Now, from The Blob, he has adapted a metaphysical context which I cannot seem to grasp: Everything on the outside being a reflection of the self, which basically makes me God. Yet, as I attempt to purify my being of thoughts, the world outside isn't changing, well it is but it seems to be getting worse. But, here's what's "weird", and I think is the real meaning of what Jake's trying to get across: The situations around me are changing. I can flex will towards any situation and reach the conclusion that I want, leading to a dissolution of mind-based reality. This does scare me, considering what I feel I've been "shown" for a reason, that there is great evil in the world outside. I feel I've affected the world immediately around me, but in this "control system" I may have, in fact, affected the entire universe. All is in harmony, as Jake says, and there seems to be something huge that "I" am in contact with. So many quotations for absent terms...

This is something I'm kind of struggling with. We want so badly to have enemies, and I am definitely no stranger to the feeling. The duality is becoming more and more apparent. We should never live our lives around fear or domination of enemies, and I think that's what I've been doing. I try my best to support what everyone here is doing. I don't want to "martyr" myself just because I've reached a horrible conclusion which potentially alienates me from people who I've perceived as great friends. I've already been through that. I've been attempting to find "center", which is folly in itself. Time seems to flow extremely fast when I'm in this mindset.

Honestly trying here... I can't help how curious I am.