Dream log, stardate February 6 2009: Drifting off to sleep, I was sucked into a reality which involved my consciousness and a few others inside of a movie theater. Since my sight is usually focused on something I can't remember in physical matter, I don't know what movie was playing. Probably The Last Dragon. I had made some friends (one was a black guy with an afro who looked like a young Obama) and we were wandering around the theater (which had RED interior) and I saw that other people from my life who I haven't seen in a while were sitting in the theater. A european guy was there too, we were joking around and laughing as he attempted to ask me questions and he showed me a map of the world with small dots on it (similar to the little map at the bottom of my blog)! His voice reminded me of Henrik Palmgren, since earlier in the day I had been listening to Red Ice. A small group of androgynous individuals wearing dark clothes approached me, attempting to communicate with my friends and I. Things got hazy and next thing I know I'm outside boarding a bus, still feeling good and joking around. I am quite playful in my dreams but always respectful of personal space and things like that. If I ever interact with anyone, they usually start it. The words people say will sometimes turn into words in front of my eyes. Things always seem so much more calm and non-urgent in my dreams... I will abstain from any sexual advances because we all know what happens when you "go too far" in a dream. That's right, "whoops!"
Time to wake up, back to reality... Still lonely, isolated in a cold basement. People cackle hellishly and addictions return. My life seems to be marked by a severe absence of peace. Clutter, clutter, everywhere. I am offered fast food. I take it. Cigarettes? Sure. I return to the Internet in search of someone to relate to. Alienation from all fronts besides fellow Synchronauts. Music's pounding, mind is searching, searching, stop. Relax... This is the illusion. Underground cube-prison is large but walls are closing in. Sun Chips, triple C cola, pain, neglect... It all looks so real but so fake. Injustice for all... Heaven on Earth for the few, Hell for the rest. No money, no worries. Handbaskets are given out for free. Inner thoughts are taunting, ever so cruel. A small bear statue under orange light stares. Feeling I should change something here, I should change all of this. Focused on things I cannot change... This is a nightmare. Brick upon brick sealing my fate. Transmissions from unknown sources are manifesting in my mind. Confused and scared, I clear my mind of thoughts. Focus on love. Focus on center.
I've noticed that lately I cannot allow my mind to reach certain depths of despair for long, because just before a breaking point a "random" event will occur which brings me out of it, usually on the part of another soul reaching out to me, as if they received my signal and had the energy to spare to help me back up. I also feel that lately I have had very little physical or mental energy. My emotions are usually of a low frequency, and I experience high frequency states as grinding anxiety and paranoia (at least, when it doesn't involve friendly correspondence on other blogs).
Still searching within, infinitely. The anger and frustration of others pierces my mind and heart. A desperate plea for attention, you say... Promised myself I wouldn't be this way today.
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