today brought nothing except pain and loss. I feel miserable. Everything I need in life is out of my reach. The feeling of adventure has left and now I can only feel sorrow. Time to lay down and forget everything and everyone. To slip back into the only thing that seems real anymore - the black nothingness which envelops everything and defiles the pure, allows the wretched a glorious life of hedonism, all their wishes fulfilled and mine left to rot. I'm probably getting kicked out of my house this weekend, with no money and no way to get around. I don't know what I'm going to do. No one cares anyway.
My life is agony. My dreams are hazy and short-lived. I am alone, insane and waiting to die. Waiting to be put out of my misery. The world around me declines into shadows. Knowledge of darkness proves threatening. I am mocked and ridiculed by those who I thought cared. Breaking down, back to my old familiar home of depression and the ever-grinding wheels of time. My loneliness is complete. I destroy everything I love. I can't stand to be this way. Back down to my small speck of existence, anything beautiful is taken away by cold unforgiving hands. Can't be strong anymore, kindness is as alien to me as a warm embrace. I'm falling into something horrible.
5 comments:
Tommy, this plummets me into a gray sadness, seeing you express your personal anomie for the nonce. I, too, have had chemical dependence, as I stated to you earlier, although I overcame them a long time ago.
Alcohol, pot, on again/off again coke use, some psychedelic experimentation, pot, a few uppers & downers here & there, pot, a pack to a pack & a half of cigarets a day, depending on how much I drank, pot, lotsa strong coffee, oh, and had I said pot? Lots & lots of pot. Gourmet pot. Why, I was a cannabis connoisseur.
Methinks you're withdrawing from your chemical usage, bro, seeing as how you've endeavoured to cut back. I think that that's it. There is no easy solution for weathering out the storm. Hang in there, man. It only gets worse before it gets better.
One who Gnos,
Anadæ Effro
Thank you very much for your kind words. I have to admit that I've felt this emotion since my early years, as I have a history of chronic depression, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was caused by addiction to the drugs in our sweets and soda. It's good to know I'm not alone, though... Didn't mean to bring you down with me.
I feel like keeping such awful feelings inside can only hurt me more. It makes me feel better now that someone has listened.
Tommy,
There's more people out here than you know that care about you. You gotta look at it as a wake up call to pull yourself together, because you have much to offer creatively to this world as we all do. Don't give in to the ocean of illusion...
All of our actions have reactions which are either positive or negative, and it's fine tuning yourself to STOP your present mode of actions and really FOCUS on what you do/say/think, and really try to only 'do good'. That is the higher vibration. This is the constant battle ALL men (and women) have dealt with throughout time, and it is a friggin struggle, but once you get over that initial hurdle, it DOES get easier, and things WILL fall in to place...
I know you can do it.
Love you man...
T.M.O.
Thanks, M.O. I've been over that "first hurdle" but it's not half as easy as it might seem... One would think that simply reading of the atrocities would get your energetic mind out of bad places (as in, my life hasn't been near as bad as some others and I should be thankful) but since I've been keeping up with the current wave of "revelation" there is far too much I cannot ignore. It's a daily thing for me, it has been for a while now, and it can be a little overwhelming... I apologize for being weak, but the truth of things can be quite crushing, and I feel that when I give in to things that are even slightly "wrong" I am punished. It's another form of spiritual blinders... Not sure how to take them off. Many people imply that changing your perspective will change the world, but I'm starting to think it's a distractive measure to keep us from searching more, because once you've learned of something it can't be un-learned, and if you apply this form of thinking to the field of mind-control and other horrific manipulations, it's like someone telling you that it's your fault in the end. Not sure what to make of it.
-tommy
WHICH RRRREMINDS ME, Tommy, lad... those of us in the Program, as Recovery or even the 12 Steps are often call'd, hail your admition as a triumph which takes a great deal of STRENGTH, not as a weakness.
Yup, sugar, as you so well cited, is the route of all later-in-life addictions. Let's get 'em while they're young. My own indulgence in sweets as a kid left quite another mark on me other 'an 'at old demon, Addiction. I count eleven dental amalgams a/k/a/ fillings.
Bet one's an implant (You tracking him?), LOL! Of course, Tommy, I'm only bein' HALF facetious.
Keep fighting the Good Fight, son. You're doin' a superlative job.
All the best wishes, awe ways,
Anadæ Effro ( :-)}
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