I've got a really strange gut feeling. Listening to John Harris's interview on Red Ice last night, I realized how bad things have gotten in society. It all seems to be made to collapse. I find myself less and less interested in daily affairs each day, and can't help but wonder if I'm intended to think that way through a subtle process. I've lost friends and lovers because of the economic system. There is a paradoxical system in place in which physical freedom relies upon submission to a human force. He says that Earth is a beautiful place and that we shouldn't be focusing on space so much, which others have touched upon and I completely agree with. People are so sucked into the egoistic mind that anyone who disagrees with the consensus trance (like myself) is immediately singled out and mocked, even (especially) by family members. I have always had sleeping problems, and I ended up staying awake until around 9 in the morning until I passed out. I never feel obligated to run around my house screaming for no reason while others are asleep, but the rest of my family does when I am asleep. Needless to say, today brought such a rude awakening, as my sisters well into their young adult life yelled at eachother like 3 year olds as I was attempting to make up for lost sleep. No, they weren't across the house, they were right next to eachother, screeching utter nonsense and diatribe with the emotionless energy of spite. People adapt a nonsensical hierarchy even in their own households. This was accompanied by the blaring of a television set to MTV which they watch constantly (and has been a mainstay in our house because of them), and I eventually got up, turned it off, slammed some doors and remained silent, lurking back to my hole in the ground. Most of the anxiety in my life is caused by things that aren't even my fault. I can't relate to others (for the most part) because what they find to be important, I find to be total shit. It's a disease which is spreading and spreading, and you bet it's contagious.
Sometimes I feel myself thinking far too much and never getting anywhere. Lately I've been submersing myself in violent video games just to let off some steam and relax a little. I don't understand what makes people feel they have the right to dominate others. I almost never speak up unless I am provoked, or if it is a friendly conversation. I think others can sense the unpleasantness of my life through my writings. So much potential, only to have to jump through hoops to reach any position of worth in the eyes of others...
It's not my view of reality and a reflection. It's a physical system set in place to deny your right to your own soul. I don't like that others take up this fascist mindset that I don't know anything about reality even though I've existed and experienced what everyone else experiences, ultimately. We're all operating on the same OS, but our "status" somehow gives us reason to live, and even then, a minor difference in appearance or thought separates us. It's madness. I can't concentrate on anything I really find to be important as long as I am seen as a threat to those around me for how I choose to be, and because of the reflective nature of reality, I am sucked into their mindset for a moment of time which feels like hell.
I'm done with it.
2 comments:
Holy fuckin' scheisse, Tommy! I jus' this weekend, yesterday day, had had an in-the-background family arguement with my husband & his niece, over some insignificant caca that I blew out of proportion.
Your blog from today mirrored it immensely. Wuzz it the postions of the planets & how they were aspected to one another the other day? I reproduce it here (my e-mail to Tisha) in its entirety, as follows, and I quote:
Weirdly enough, Tisha, here's a blog of a blogger friend of mine. Tommy is his name. His blog's name is Kozmikon & it's perusable here:
http://kozmikon.blogspot.com
He, too, is in the throes of addiction, as I was. You can scroll down some of his comments & see some constructive criticisms that I've written to him, having overcome pot-smoking, cigs, and overdrinking my(s)elf. I have, however, gone sober, largely with Johnathen's help. Tommy is still grousing (going back & forth). That is why I must apologise for my abysmal utterance the other day, INTENDED to be overheard by you. As Tommy so astutely puts it (see attached) rudeness, childishness, and my-piddly-insignificant-scheisse-is-all-important MISGUIDEDNESS is contagious. It's also destructive. Self-destructive.
So, Tisha, as someone who strives to be a better elf, I'm sorry that I had snapped, if I was, well, unsympathetic (and I'll be the first to admit that I was) the other day during a lapse of sympathy. There's an ancient Hawai'ian tradition, Ho' Oponopono, that I'm TRYING to understand. It is all about forgiving. Didn't Jesus say something about that, too?
Ho' Oponopono not only stresses forgiveness, but says that we're responsible for EVERYTHING that happens, once we're aware of it. I am sorry for adding to the confusuion & turmoil. Please forgive me. Now, here's my blogger friend Tommy's blog from today. Sound familiar?
Love, Light, Healing, Healing, and More Healing,
Anadæ Quenyan ( :-)}
PS ~ Tommy! LOL! The captcha for this is hessin. My relatives actually included Hessians on my father's side. weird.
Wow, thanks for bringing that to my attention... I hope everything gets cleared up, I know that simply by spontaneously forgiving those who managed to get under my skin for some minor temporary annoyance and flowing with things that the bad stuff slinked off into shadow as usual. I was depressed and angry for an hour but then realized the scope of it was too small to really be that pissed off about.
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