Auric Distortion

I went through a brief period of emotional agony a couple of hours ago... I think we experience these fits of desperation and loneliness to come out of it feeling like we've really overcome something serious, but my life is pockmarked with these craters of feeling low. To be honest, I don't want to smoke cigarettes anymore, as being dependent on them when I can't get any is really hellish. I started because at one point last year I was experiencing stress beyond anything I had ever been through, and had finally tried a cigarette after 19 years of not smoking them. I hate saying I'm going to do one thing (quit) and then do something contradicting that (keep smoking) and today I've already felt hazy, confused and frustrated from not smoking for the last 6 hours. Let's just see how this works out... Thanks to everyone for being receptive of my personal issues, they get in the way of me actually doing any sort of research (besides into my own mind).

The feeling that I'm drifting backward in time is growing stronger... My teenage years were mostly spent being really, really depressed (the parts I remember most, at least) so today was a reminder of that. I am also listening to some Boards of Canada, which I picked up in 10th or 11th grade... I used to go to sleep listening to this music, it is high quality stuff, creepy but calming, like reality... I've said before that I don't like to focus on my depressive side so much, but it seems to be making itself known....


Cool, there's a crescent shape surrounding a star shape in front of red light on my mouse, I remember looking at the symbol and wondering what the hell it was all about. I still don't really know (besides the obvious Masonic symbolism) but there it is, and Jake seems to have picked up on the symbol as well so it must have some synchromystic vibe to it. The "star" is actually a bullseye/masonic cross type deal. All of it together looks like an eye, so there's All-"See"ing Eye. I'm wondering if the Third Eye's color is actually red, as I've pondered before...



(mine is white but whatever)

It's interesting that I use the device which this symbol is on to navigate my "white pillar" monitor. Unconscious being dredged up through the subconscious...

Thanks everyone for putting up with my shadow shenanigans... I gotta vent somehow...