One of those days...

I'm in a surprisingly good mood, but it could just be from completely snapping.

It's pretty much half and half today, really... I think some people run on a different type of energy than I do, because when I attempt to "fight fire with fire", I just feel drained, whereas some people can act solely to spite someone they consider lesser than them for their entire lives (i.e., "I have a job and you don't! Kneel before me, you unworthy speck!"). I like to produce very little noise output when others are present (unless it's something very important to me, like music) and stimulate my mind a lot of the time (just to remind myself it's there), sometimes meditating, sometimes really wishing I had something I need but it's not gonna materialize out of thin air. I want to say "I don't understand some people", but I feel like I really do understand them but can't process the same thoughts they impulsively act upon, so I can never relate. I have a bad case of social anxiety, but I'm growing very tired of feeding it. I feel guilt almost every second of every day, and I'm getting really sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like God is punishing me every time things don't go my way. Down with feeling down, I say.

This is probably what being surrounded by people who hate me for my entire life culminates in: a damaged, warped perception that guarantees I'll never find solace in anything. Maybe that's a good thing, since there is really nothing worth devoting time and energy into besides one's own creations, which aren't really "there", they are an idea which can truly take no form, a limitless "what if" that transcends all thought.

Some people just really like imposing fear upon others, I guess. That's the only way I can explain what's happening in my household. Everyone here wants me to be afraid of them while they go about their drone-like behavior, and they are kind of succeeding but only because I'm afraid of bland normalcy. I'm afraid of being strapped into this machine against my will...