(Here's an example of what huge amounts of stress can do to someone who is usually calm and collected. Paranoid delusions are a dime a dozen in this state of mind...)
Feeling intentionally left out, ignored and mocked. Probably going to take a break from posting or commenting for a while. Even though this really the only place I can go to get away from everything else that's bad in my life, the negative energy appears to have leaked into this area as well. I've been through this many times before, it's regularly scheduled for me to repeatedly lose everything I've worked for. It's unavoidable, a cycle of death and rebirth.
I received very strong negative vibes from meditating on my blog last night. Feelings of shame and guilt, and humiliation. I don't think anyone was ready for me to express my will to hurt myself openly. All I have to say is I've been through it before.
(I'm not doing any of this for attention, either. That's kind of the last thing I want. Chances are I'll get bored with not updating my blog by the end of the day and things will go back to "normal". I'm starting to crack a little from the white trash who inhabit my house consistently annoying the crap out of me. What is it about the TV lifestyle that draws dumb people to it like moths to a lightbulb? Oh yeah, it's the overwhelming amount of sacred symbols being jammed into their ocular receptors making them think it is their god. I don't get people who hang out just to watch TV. Seems excruciatingly boring to me. Though I suppose anything [besides learning] is "fun" if you're drinking copious amounts of booze while doing it. God damn these people suck! Why is it that people push peace away, from themselves and from others, so willingly...? Trying to analyze their behavior, since they're being very loud and there's no way I can avoid hearing the stupid noises they're making, is making me dizzy and extremely irritable!)
Update: Interesting that as I open Red Ice's homepage, this is the quote featured:
"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all."
— Noam Chomsky
This is true. But... I don't really see sitting around drinking beer and watching TV to be "expression", and they are pretty much denying my right to express myself by being a raincloud above my head all the time.
... Hold on, someone's knocking at my invisible door. Oh, it's The Universe! How's it goin'?
Universe: Touché, you little wimp! See, they have every right in the world to do whatever they want because they are a unique, individual facet of consciousness! I don't want anything to do with them so I just plop them down in front of a big glowy box so they don't bother me. Is there anything wrong with that?
No, not really. Well... You could be a little more actively involved with their process of shedding unnecessary, outdated forms of entertainment and make sure they don't cause the unique facet of individual consciousness attempting to achieve enlightenment below them absolute hell. Say, who put you in charge anyway?
Universe: You did. Remember?
I don't recall doing that. You are the universe, though, so I guess you're right. You got any weed? You seem like a cool dude to get high with, being all multi-faceted and omnipotent and everything, and it would make me relax a little and stop complaining...
Universe: Are you serious? Buy or grow your own! I can't afford that shit and the Man's got taps on all my connections anyway. Get out of my infinite being, you hoser!
Alright then, see ya. *implodes*
5 comments:
I didn't catch your comment about hurting yourself last time round, I've been skimming everyone's blogs, I've been doing a lot of work over the past few days, haven't had much time.
I don't know what to really advise you here, not that I'm even qualified. But, since I feel compelled now, I don't know, sounds like you need a quest away from where you are now. A vision quest? *shrugs*
If its a soul suck, get out of there.
But then maybe you just need to vent. This is a blog, go and vent. I suggest a good rant, rage against the machine (teh interwebz that we all pretend to know each other on, but almost all have never met in reality).
But its better than nothing, here you can let a call out and get an answer from people who've been through the same thing (at least as far as I can tell from the sounds of your frustration.)
F**k it man. Ride it out. You're stronger than the one-dimensional cardboard cut-outs who sit watching shadows in the cave.
Yes, I definitely need to get away soon. The sad thing is that I'd be perfectly fine if my sister wasn't here. She has been a constant pain in my ass for as long as I can remember. I don't mind venting, I just don't like coming off as a whiny douchebag...
I'd like to clarify and say that it is really my own mind seeing the alienation coming from the direction of "teh interwebz". I feel like we "know eachother" on a level that is a little different from physical reality, in that we choose what we see and don't see, therefore it is our own will entirely that led us to this point, not a chance of circumstance. "Hello!" :)
I'm guessing if you skimmed over that part, a lot of people did, which I am a little relieved about... I'm not proud of reaching that level, but once again I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been there (as have many, many other people, some who never got out)
"I don't really see sitting around drinking beer and watching TV to be "expression"
ZOmbies and robots are people oh my...
I'm a hybrid. An Astro zombie.
I'm quite zombie-like myself. As in, I reek of death and eat brains out of peoples' heads with an ice cream scoop.
I'm trying hard to accept their decision to do nothing except drink and watch TV. I don't mind that they've chosen to do that, since I'm not a judgmental prick all the time, it's just that they do it every freaking day. Obviously, it's driving me up the wall, and that's really not an easy thing to do.
I will probably stop talking about this stuff from now on... Giving them my attention is just playing into the game of negative Pong that they like so much.
Just read this after commenting before.
Growing my own saved me.
cheers
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