Murphy's Law (updated)

(new readers: I do this every now and then. Don't read if you're not into seeing a darker part of me, this mood is associated with my male period)

Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

My life has gone "right" in a lot of ways recently. Unfortunately, being around my family is dredging up some of the most awful memories I have locked away, and creating new scenarios evoking the same empty, anxious emotion yet completely unexpected and surprising in its ability to send me into a state of near-shock at how dysfunctional some people can be and how much being around these people makes me want to kill myself. Let's see here: My spoiled little sister receives handouts from my dad on a daily basis, including love (never seen or received that personally), affection, material objects, money, you name it. My older sister and her white trash boyfriend continue to wake me up every morning (there is no exception) and just be asses in general, my dad is doing the exact same thing he's done for the last 20 years every single day (work->sleep, ad infinitum). I feel like a prisoner here, in a few ways.

(anyone wanting me to just mind my own business and stop whining, I would do that if other peoples' business wasn't conflicting directly with my business... Whatever that means)

It seems like every time things start to turn good in my life, the next day is the complete opposite of the last and everything I worked for is lost. I ended up watching the Michael Bay Transformers movie (2007) last night, and let me tell you, I think it made me lose the last drop of faith I had in humanity. What a piece of goddamn trash that movie is. Even preparing to watch this movie began a long string of events, starting with my internet going out. Then the dog got out (she is still out, having been out all night and having not eaten), the cat's still horny and loud as fuck because no one can afford to get it spayed, I'm kept awake until 8-9 in the morning (after watching the horrendously stupid Transformers and having my brain pulverized by its utter lack of humanity) by the people living in this house making as much noise as they possibly can every waking moment, I fall asleep somehow then I get woken up at 11 (that's 3 hours of sleep) by my older sister and her water-headed boyfriend, obviously on some sort of pill (probably Adderall, my sister's favorite, she even got our mom kicked out of our house because she's a fucking liar and couldn't admit to stealing my little sister's prescription pills so my mom got blamed, even recently she came home drunk and my dad accused her of being on heroin [she's that much of a drunk, oh and this was at 5 in the morning and she was crying] and she kept screaming "I'VE NEVER DONE ANY DRUGS" over and over again, huge lie, this is what happens when you allow pharmaceutical companies into your dysfunctional, shitty household), sending me into a fit of complete rage (I'm having a hard time controlling this as of late) which I managed to stifle. Just 2 days ago, I felt like things were really turning around. I felt like I would never have to endure this pain and frustration again, like I never wanted to put myself through the complete agony of this anger, depression and despair again. This is a completely new level of hell for me, I've been in it for a little while now and I'm slowly realizing it, only to forget again, and continue the cycle of forgetting and remembering until the very last shred of my sanity explodes.

I feel like my brain is scattered across the floor. There are a lot of other things going on that suck as well, I just can't focus on anything besides how much I want to be away from here and how much anxiety I'm feeling at the moment. I feel like to accept this state for what it is (unavoidable, necessary to retain my status as a blind worker drone) is to completely give up any will to fight I had left in me. There is definitely a cycle of "order>chaos" going on here, as there are times of near-happiness where none of this stuff happens, and then there are times where it is the only thing that ever happened. Somewhat of a "phoenix" I guess. To know happiness I must experience the complete opposite to know what happiness truly is. Is that masochistic or what?

Just regurgitating this stuff onto my blog makes me feel a little better, but that could just be the lack of sleep. Sometimes, the last thing I want to do is wake up from a dream. It's like experiencing something more only to be dragged screaming back into whatever dark pit my consciousness managed to crawl out of.

update: my sister and her boyfriend are now in the den, still in the room above me, drinking 40s of Steel Reserve (the most vile shit that will ever pass through your system, maybe worse than Colt 45 [actually colt 45's not that bad], but I'm no beer snob having not a drop to drink since last year which I'm proud of) and smoking stolen cigarettes. I asked for a cigarette and got bitched out. She is obviously drunk already, speaking loudly and slurred, trying to talk down to me telling me to get a job. My mom was a bad alcoholic, which is why my dad and I get pissed off when my sister decides to drink every night. Brings back some pretty terrible memories. She was alright earlier, but once that glass is empty, you're lucky to leave the room without witnessing her making an ass of herself and trying to start a fight or something. I'm seriously questioning the whole "relationship" thing, it seems to work best (and longest) with people who can only bear being around eachother when they're fucked up on some drug, no matter what kind of hell they're causing the people around them. Her boyfriend doesn't even have a job (and spends most of the day either passed out on the couch, eating our food or watching "the game", or even all of the above simultaneously), neither does she, what's she doing telling me to get a job (like I can just teleport to a store every day and work) and buy cigarettes even though they have to steal them from someone?

Got my cigarette though... One vice for another, I suppose. I only smoke maybe 3-4 a day now, I always ask nicely when I need to ask and they always give me shit for it. Sorry, it's not that easy to build up finances for things other than a home from absolutely nothing. I know from experience, having spent most (actually, very little, minimum wage got me $100 a week and my rent was $350 I think) of my money on weed and cigarettes the last time I attempted to live in an apartment on my own 700 miles away from any home that I could just stay at without having to pay. When I'm on my own I seem to have the most "enlightening" experiences, being alone for once always allows my mind to roam free until someone else who wants to oppress the way I think shows up and tells me to go back to work supporting a corporate plutocracy and stay there forever. Damn volunteer thought police, like the mall cops of the etheric realms... "B-b-but sharing is for commies and terrorists! You want to be american, you better slave for that piece of paper with a number on it!" I'm finally starting to understand what Celtic Rebel means by all his "lucy fur" stuff.