God hates me. It's 2 in the morning, and my sister and her boyfriend are back upstairs, already drinking beer and talking like dumbasses and watching TV, right before I attempt to go to sleep.
Why do I have such awful luck? Why do things happen the way they do just to spite me? Everything about this is pushing me to the edge...
I feel utterly disillusioned. Nothing ever works out for me. I feel hollow and empty inside. I think something is really wrong with me. I don't seem to experience the same reality that everyone else does. Any small peace and isolation I find is instantly shattered and swept away.
I think either one of them or both of them are what could be considered an "energy vampire" (kind of juvenile term, I know), since every time they enter my immediate space I feel as if my spiritual body has been completely sapped of life. I get bad vibes from this whole thing... I've known people who, just thinking of them, make me feel immensely frustrated and worthless. Sometimes it wears off, sometimes it doesn't.
Just stumbled upon this advertisement from Saturn:
notice the 3 pillars of Freemasonry as seen on the tracing board
Also notice one of them has the moon above it, by "the other side" I'm guessing they mean "the dark side" (considering it's got a crescent moon in the logo, though sometimes the crescent shape is used for the rings of saturn), maybe even death itself. Since I'm not a freemason, I don't know their exact interpretation of the "dark pillar", and I'd rather not spread misinfo. I have an idea of what it means (negativity, maybe left brain for thoth/moon god, I'm all mixed up right now though) but I'm not entirely sure because I seem to have adopted a somewhat positive meaning to most symbols that I see, the only negativity I see is in the way that they're used for manipulation and stuff like that, and the more "domination"-type symbols...
Why do I always get into interesting stuff when my brain is not functioning well...
Update: They stayed upstairs until 6 in the morning. I fell asleep at around 8. I get woken up at 11:30 am by my sister and dad talking really loud. My dad leaves and my sister decides to watch TV. No. I scream at her from my room, it kind of went like this: "Oh my god. *I hit the wall pretty hard* Get the fuck outta there! You fucking bitch!" She says "You're a psycho. Stop staying up so late". I say "You kept me awake until 5 in the morning last night and the night before!". She walks off and I take a benadryl so I can pass out because my allergies are acting up. Her boyfriend arrives and they mock me out loud but stay in her room. I start drifting off to sleep, finally... Seconds before I pass out, and I mean seconds, the TV turns on again loud as ever and rap music is playing and footsteps boom above me like thunder. I had the urge to break something but I didn't have any energy to do it. I lay paralyzed in my bed as they continue to watch TV and mumble nonsense and cough and kiss.
I can't describe how I feel right now. I've surpassed extreme anger and depression. I feel like they're begging me to show that I'm angry so that they can steal more of my energy but I'm not going to. There is no winning in this... It's like playing a game of twisted chess against a master. I'm familiar with this feeling of being abused, it seems to follow me around like a shadow, but I wished never to experience it again. All I can do is stay awake and listen to music to drown out their awful noises.
9:00 - Still awake. I attempted to go to sleep around 8:00 meditating and listening to Boards of Canada but once the cd ended so did my trance and I could hear the TV on and them talking which filled me with rage (thanks for buying that fucking unnecessary sound system instead of my car, dad). I'm kind of wondering how people are capable of being so ignorant and inhumane, and how I'm related to people so stupid, sheep-like and fake. I'm not the type of person to give orders, and it's starting to be detrimental to my ability to stand up for myself. This is related to how I've felt I'm moving backward in time lately, because I've been through this sort of thing many times before. I'm sick of these angry thoughts and I feel like they aren't even coming from my own mind. No matter what I do to show my anger, they will feed off of it, and just laugh and laugh. I hate this. Whatever I do will be too little and too late.
In this situation I see everything that is wrong with the world today. Above me are two sheep: Speaking in hidden languages of mockery, ascending themselves physically and emotionally, for no good reason or purpose. Using eachother for a false sense of security and needs fulfilled. Staring blankly into the screen of sick, deceitful wonders, complacent and soulless, sacrificing wisdom for an ego-boost. If there's any truth to the story of Reptilian aliens, I definitely live in a house full of them.
I am just staggered at how stupid this whole thing is and it kind of proves to me how unbalanced the scales of justice are at this point in time. It's really been an enlightening experience, but at the same time so soul-shattering and traumatic that I feel like I've devolved a few levels just from experiencing their state of mind towards someone such as myself. That's enough of my thoughts...
I'm not going to play their game. I'm not going to start a back and forth with these subhuman piles of flesh and bone. They are devoid of love. They are not worthy of my attention yet they demand it with such veracity that I can't possibly avoid the issue. Their poison entered my mind long ago and it still boils my blood...
Found this article related to my plight: Realities of boozing are tough to swallow
In wealthy nations all over the world, momentum is building for big hikes in the cost of alcohol. The rationale is to stop us all drinking to the point where we make other people's lives hell by vandalising property, urinating and vomiting in the street, attacking people including members of our own family, and causing death and injury by driving under the influence. In other words, the goal is to stamp out what England's Chief Medical Officer Liam Donaldson last week dubbed "passive drinking" - the damage done to innocent bystanders and society in general when people drink too much.
In his 2008 annual report, launched on 16 March and entitled On The State of Public Health, Donaldson lays bare the shocking toll from passive drinking in England. The list includes 125,000 instances of alcohol-fuelled domestic violence; 2 million victims of alcohol-related violence; 39,000 sexual assaults; 1.3 million children adversely affected by family drinking; 6000 babies born annually with fetal alcohol syndrome; 660 children killed or injured in alcohol-linked road crashes; 7000 non-drinkers injured by drink-drivers; and 560 fatalities due to drink-driving. There were also 1.25 million recorded instances of alcohol-related vandalism. Binge drinking has made city centres no-go areas for many. A survey of 30,000 adults in the north of England found that 45 per cent avoided town centres at night for fear of meeting drunks.
I've slept 5 hours in the last 60 hours. Something is very wrong about that. I feel like absolute shit.
3 comments:
I imagine your brain works perfectly well, though its possible u haven't been attracted by the cult of Superficiality, that requires u get no personal space/time.
The poster just shows that it would be easier if we all lived in a movie.
Nu-Rats
Cheers
I can relate about the energy some people transfer to those un-aware. You can block their badness by telling them to go elsewhere. Tell them your reasons(sanity) and protect your space from such tomfoolery. Do it now, you will feel better immediately, you must give reason and closure to those who use your goodnature and piss on it. Dennis from Oregon
Aferrismoon - My brain isn't functioning well because I haven't slept longer than 3 hours for the past 54 hours.
"spirits driven by Saturn" has some pretty dark connotations too.
Dennis - I wish it were that easy, but my sister has an evil way of "balancing" things. If I speak up, tomorrow it will be even worse, and she'll have her masculine tool droid to back her up and make me feel small and pathetic (2 vs. 1)
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