Cycle of Misery

The last glimmer of hope has been snuffed....

My tormented mind is playing horrible tricks on itself.


edit: Made this post because my heart is just a little broken, no one's fault but mine. I feel this way about twice every week, like I'm suddenly remembering that I'm not free and I don't think I ever will be. There are processes in my mind which I cannot change.

update: I casually drifted out of the loveless, soulless place within through will alone and interaction with nature. Every time this happens, I think "I never want to experience that ever again", but then something will happen days later and I forget that I didn't want to feel that way and how much it hurts. Time moves slower, there is pressure in my chest, everything melts, moving like molasses dripping down the walls. Everything turns a dark gray shade, my mind shuts off and pain is the only thing that is real... I remember humiliation, rejection and loss, and relate those memories into my current life. After it is gone, its aura lingers like fallen branches after a storm, the gray clouds are clearing yet the sky is still overcast...

It's automatic. I am a robot programmed to experience deep, crippling emotional pain on a scheduled basis, only to come out of it feeling like I accomplished something, and to repeat the cycle for the rest of my life...