Ninjas in my Pocket

I recently sat down and watched a movie called Pocket Ninjas with a friend over the internet. I am speechless and recovering from the pain, but he actually decided to write up a review of the movie. I only want to point out some strange syncs: Remember the "Juggalo" (insane clown) people mentioned in my last post? They sometimes refer to themselves as "Ninjas". The ninja masks in this movie even look like insane clowns/Jokers:




The "White Dragon" is somewhat of a superhero (God) in town, and even has his own japanese manga, somehow.

The "leader" of the bad guys is named Cobra Khan (KK). Lots of cobras going around lately. Once again, that number 3 appears, in that there are three "pocket ninjas" (I still have no idea what a "pocket ninja" is). There has been a Red and Gold theme floating around, and two of the "Ninja" masks are colored red and gold.

On to the review, written by my friend Richard (who I synced up my video with and commented on through AIM. Once again, THE BELOW REVIEW WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME.):

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Pocket Ninjas Review by Richard V.


Pocket Ninjas.

Just when one thought that mid-nineties cinema couldn’t get any worse, and that the freakish face of Robert Z'Dar was finally erased from our minds after such mind-numbingly awful films like Maniac Cop 1-3 and Soul Taker, he again arises in 1997’s cinematic "masterpiece" Pocket Ninjas. Of course, I will admit, that pan faced Z'Dar is really only in the film for probably less that 15 minutes in total (with top billing since no one else made it out of the movie alive), but his screen time makes no sense. At all. Period. But more about that later... Since this is a "movie" about American Karate kids, you can guess that this movie will relentlessly suck on the teat of 3 Ninjas. And it sucks so hard that nothing but blood comes out. There, of course, is no coherent plot.



The movie begins with the three main kids (none of which are Robert Z'Dar, thank Freud. I can’t imagine anyone trying to pass that abomination off as a kid. But it would be funny), being given the mantle of Pocket Ninja/dragon/clueless, roller blading dildo children, which is like being a low rate sidekick trio to a vigilante hero-ish guy, The White Dragon. Don’t worry, you don’t see him much. At all. Period. He and Z'Dar how about as much screen time, really. But keep in mind that these three kids get passed this mantle, by their Karate teacher, and have NO CLUE THAT THE TEACHER IS THE WHITE DRAGON! Go ahead, read that again. In fact, I’ll break it down.

1. There is a ninja guy named White Dragon running around.
2. Three kids are awarded a special honor by their karate teacher to pretty much be sidekicks to the ninja guy.
3. IT DOESN’T OCCUR TO THE KIDS THAT THEIR TEACHER IS GIVING THEM THIS HONOR BECAUSE HE IS THE WHITE DRAGON.

Trust me, I have spoiled nothing. This fact is obvious to anyone that decides to forego having their legs cut off and being forced to walk through salt, lemon juice and bear mace on their newly stubbed legs, to watch this film. By the way, I would go with the amputation than watch this movie. In fact, this whole scene takes place in the first five minutes, and is intercut with opening credits and scenes of Robert Z'Dar "fighting" some guy in a parking lot as well as the White Dragon. See, it is already not making any sense.

I would like to go into some detail as to what else occurs in the movie, but it seems like a bunch of mildly retarded monkeys edited the film together. Anyways, just as soon as these kids get their Halloween costume masks and crappy "this-is-a-whole-bunch-of-black-cloth-so-just-use-this-as-a-ninja-costume" outfits, they go out and find crime to fight, which happens to be the underlings of Z’Dar’s gang. At least, I think it is his gang. Since you seem more of a little kid running things then Z'Dar is in the movie. And the little kids poorly beats the crap out of/"trains" with two henchmen (All of which make me think that they are trying to be cheerleaders). This training thing happens three separate times in the film. Seriously. After the first time, it goes to the "good guys" training. Then it goes to probably the dumbest scene in movie history.



Apparently, Z'Dar chases the White Dragon into a carnival (I make this assumption because there are two clowns, a bunch of balloons, confetti, and really crappy carnival type music), and proceeds to bounce on balloons and fight, play patty cake, dance off, and three stooges fight. Seriously. I wish I could make this up, but it really happens. Then we randomly jump cut to the three kids, in a tree house, looking at comics to try to piece together who the White Dragon is. Yeah, they still haven’t figured it out. I am pretty sure that these kids where choked within inches of their life, causing permanent brain damage in all three of them. This, of course, isn’t the dumbest thing they do. Just wait for it...



Anyways, decide to piece together their own retarded stories that show random cuts of some Asian guy practicing, a couple of people sitting around a table outside (one of the seriously looks like Arsenio Hall) that goes nowhere at all. Then the girl’s idea comes up. Yeah, there is a girl in the trio. Yeah, she is just as dumb. Her idea is that a guy (That is played by the instructor, because I guess she wants to bang him), is the became the White Dragon because he had some crappy vendetta against some guy, and the guy shot the instructor/vendetta guy, so vendetta guy heals from the three gunshot wounds he got from being shot once (I don’t know how that happened either). It goes to the instructor training "montage" (really it is a bunch of shots of him in different places doing "karate things" and brooding). Then he becomes the White Dragon to..... I guess...... um....... take a bite out of crime. I think.....

Can you guess what happens next? Go ahead. Just try... No, you’re wrong. Unless you said there was a worthless battle with wiffle ball bats in a random parking lot. If you did, then I am sorry, and I love you. Really... Anyways, that really happens. Because nothing is more menacing than someone trying to beat the crap out of you with red and blue wiffle ball bats. I am shaking just thinking about it again. The ninjas roll up in the classy 1997 child way (on roller blades) and kick the crap out of the bad guys, kind of, until the cops show up. Everybody runs, and regroups at their respective hideouts, to which we find out that the ninjas have bruises, like they "fell down a bunch of times, onto a doorknob". Wiffle ball bats are very dangerous, don’t you know? They are like a Soul Caliber, with the hurting their user and the opponent.



Right, so kids get back, find out they have a couple of bruises (really it’s one each), and Instructor guy gets concerned towards their safety. The kids LEAVE IN THEIR NINJA OUTFITS. They don’t change, they just, leave. Good ninja skills, kids. You are the next Ninja Warrior Challenge contestants. As one of the kids leaves, he gets stalked by this guy, that I guess is the lead henchman, and he kind of looks like Ice T, it is pretty dumb. Something about the guy getting hit by the car. Blah blah blah, followed by another training montage with the cheerleading squad and then the ninjas, again... then you find out that someone wants to dump toxic waste in the local river body. WHAT?!?!?! SIDE STORY?!?!?!?! NO WAY!!!!!!!!! Don’t worry, A. the ninja kids somehow know it before it even happens, and B. everyone forgets about it for about half an hour, until the guy that came up with the plan comes back to dump more crap. Oh! There is also apparently a gang of stoners that hang out at the beach. But they aren't important, and you NEVER, EVER see them. Then the ninjas go to some random parade that occurs, and they blend in like normal people at a midget convention. The Instructor says they were reckless or something and tells them that it is too dangerous for these kids to keep ninja-ing, so they have to turn in their masks.




Then the last of the montages occur, and you find out that one of the ninjas actually has a family in the form of a mom, that, in real life, was the caterer for the movie. I guess they forgot that they had yet another superfluous character, and looked for the closest person around. Anyways, she comes into the dojo, with cookies, and flirts with the Instructor, then they have internal dialogue. Yeah, it really happens. Then mom leaves, because she realizes that she has better things to do like get kidnapped, which actually happens next. I refuse to mention how, because it was just that bad for 5 whole minutes. But it involves a fishing line and, first a 100 bill, and then coupons, because all women hate money, but love coupons. As this happens, the kids as literally ten feet away, just watching it happen...... Yeah.... Just standing there. Watching. Ten feet away. The whole time.



The kids of course go back and talk to the Instructor, and it is mentioned that EVERYONE IN THE CITY KNOWS WHERE THESE BAD GUYS HANG OUT. EVERYONE. So they go there. Duh. But first, you find out that the small fat one stole two of the masks back, and blames it on a "misspent youth". Because all the time he spent not cleaning his room and eating Twix bars while watching Power Rangers taught him to steal things. Douchebag. But, the little dick bag only stole two masks, his own, and the other boy. Because girls "are icky". So they just ditch her ass, and head over to the warehouse that apparent has a huge sign that says "We’re bad guys, do something about it". And try to save mom. Oh, did I mention that Instructor told them that he was the White Dragon and the three kids gasped in shock, because they kept themselves hydrated by drinking gallons of lead-based paint? Well, he did, and they did. No joke.



So down to the final battle. The ninjas get there, and the toxic waste dumping jackass and his Asian Pedro is there with him, as well as four new henchmen, one of which looks like old school James Hetfield from Metallica, but not really. It is mainly just his mullet. The final battle kind of begins with the White Dragon shows up, and there is no sight of girl ninja. At all. Period. Final battle, nothing happens. Bad guys defeated. Movie over, right? No. First, you find out that this White Dragon is the girl that got ditched 5 minutes ago. Then the little evil kid runs away. Movie over now? If only. There is still 15 minute left. "But what happens in those 15 minutes?" You ask. The toxic waste guys get arrested, and the ninjas run after the main bad guy kid into a random storage unit with a really crappy video game console, where the helmets look like they were part of a Helen Keller art project. Remember Robert Z'Dar? Remember when he was in the film a couple of times earlier? Apparently he is the evil kid’s character in the game. How you ask? I say they still had some tape left in the camera, and thought that Surf Ninjas was the best kid ninja film ever. It is the longest, most drawn out scene in this whole crappy movie since Z'Dar fought the White Dragon in the carnival, or Hell. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Just think of any good movie that has a good video game scene like Tron, The Wizard, The Last Starfighter, then just piss all over those memories, douse it all in gasoline, and like that crap on fire. That only explains a small fraction of how bad this scene is. Explaining it in detail would, without a doubt, cause a terrible rip in the time-space continuum. We would be sucked into a world in which William Shatner is a 14 time Best Actor Oscar Winner, and Vern Troyer would be the President of the United States, which would have absorbed Mexico and Canada, dubbing Troyer King of the Continent. I can feel you shudder... Luckily, that literally is the end of this "film".



This movie seems like a bunch of retarded children were lit on fire, and would only be put out if they wrote whatever came into their mind first, with all comments about fire being void. I would say that maybe Robert Z'Dar was on drugs when he was doing this movie, or just really smashed all the time, but this movie it too intentional for it to be blamed on anything but his own failed sense of "humor". The whole film looks like it was filmed in the 80’s, but the yearning to become a new 3 Ninjas-type franchise is so 1997, that it really, really hurts when I pee, like trying to pass lawn gnome from my bladder. At many points, I considered attempting to push my face into a garbage disposal. I could get more graphic, but I feel that the nightmares for you may not be worth it. It I have to give this monstrosity, I would give is 13 out of 10 on a shit-o-meter. But the word shit doesn’t sum it up. I have to create a new word to express its awfulness......... Perhaps, craptardadonkulous. So, it is a 13 out of 10 on the craptardadonkulous meter.


-Richard


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I'd personally advise everyone reading this to stay far, far away from this movie. It really doesn't get any worse than this. I leave you with this scene from the movie:



Happy trails