I have been enduring the throes of withdrawal these past few days. Cigarettes. They cloud my mind, numb me to any sort of dismay I may need to encounter to get myself off of a certain path. It's really not that bad getting off of them, it's just these crazy mood swings I get where I'll be perfectly fine one second and in absolute hell the next. I'm grappling with something inside of me that is inherently dark and violent. I can hear it whispering in my ear, giving suggestions, showing me terrible visions of things I cannot believe are somewhere within me. I know it's me, I know it's my shadow, but I am having a hard time dealing with it. Do I confront it? Do I run away as fast as I possibly can? I want to just avoid it, but it always catches up with me. I am in a constant struggle to replace these horrible visions with my true will, that of love. All I know is that, eventually, I must have enough courage to banish this entity from my soulspace for good. The problem with becoming "lighter" is the darker the shadows one casts become. On the surface of mind these images of pain inject themselves, these shadow beings in direct contrast to my inner light taking things I love and creating doubles and hurting them, a double of myself taking the violent action itself, not me but just something that looks like me....
They are dependent on me, they are feeding off of me like parasites. The fear that I feel when in their presence is incredible. I feel powerless, completely unable to stop this flow of soul-destroying blackness. I have experienced this my entire life, actually. The more I think about it, this is not a new phenomenon, I am just becoming more aware of it. The brighter I shine the more defined these shadows become in contrast to the surface, the closer my sun gets to the surface of being the better I can see how they move. But what is creating these shadows? What objects are casting them? Are they my own fears? I'm thinking about how movies are coordinated, colored shadows. How do I angle myself as to eliminate these shadows? Do I become more than one source of light? Do I illuminate everything at once? Thinking about our stream of thought, how it is that single light source, one thing at a time within the vastness of signals.
It's a sort of chess game. The only thing is, I suck at chess.
I realize though, that I'm not alone, no matter how isolated this being makes me feel. Below is a description of exactly what I'm going through.
The Dweller on the Threshold
"As delineated by gnostic author Samael Aun Weor the mind lives continuously reacting against the impact of the outside world. These feedbacks of appreciation depart from a demonic mental entity. This creature is the Guardian of the threshold of the human mental body . This mental custodian enslaves the mind of all human beings.
Violence, desires and passions, hatred, bitterness, egoism, wrath, envy, and slander are responses coming from the mental keeper, claims Weor. The body of wishes is nothing else but a temper device of the mind keeper. The true being is not the mind, the Being is the Being, says the Gnostic. If temporarily the disciple has dispossessed himself from his mind, he can talk with the guardian. Then, the mind seems to be an independent individual that sits in front of him. After this deep exploration, the devotee will be aware that his mind is a wild force, which he must overcome, command and direct. Depriving himself from this terrible sentinel allows transform his matter mind into Christ mind.
To succeed the spiritual practitioner works via the inner fire, asserts Weor. Awaking the igneous serpent of the mental body, it runs the spinal cord (the igneous wings) and then him daringly faces this dark beast and defeats it in an appalling wrestling match. As a consequence, after that moment, the mind of the spiritual practitioner only obeys the direct commands of the true self."
I realize though, that I'm not alone, no matter how isolated this being makes me feel. Below is a description of exactly what I'm going through.
The Dweller on the Threshold
"As delineated by gnostic author Samael Aun Weor the mind lives continuously reacting against the impact of the outside world. These feedbacks of appreciation depart from a demonic mental entity. This creature is the Guardian of the threshold of the human mental body . This mental custodian enslaves the mind of all human beings.
Violence, desires and passions, hatred, bitterness, egoism, wrath, envy, and slander are responses coming from the mental keeper, claims Weor. The body of wishes is nothing else but a temper device of the mind keeper. The true being is not the mind, the Being is the Being, says the Gnostic. If temporarily the disciple has dispossessed himself from his mind, he can talk with the guardian. Then, the mind seems to be an independent individual that sits in front of him. After this deep exploration, the devotee will be aware that his mind is a wild force, which he must overcome, command and direct. Depriving himself from this terrible sentinel allows transform his matter mind into Christ mind.
To succeed the spiritual practitioner works via the inner fire, asserts Weor. Awaking the igneous serpent of the mental body, it runs the spinal cord (the igneous wings) and then him daringly faces this dark beast and defeats it in an appalling wrestling match. As a consequence, after that moment, the mind of the spiritual practitioner only obeys the direct commands of the true self."
a protester meditates in the face of black-clad figures, 5/19
1 comment:
The path across the Abyss is long and difficult, but it has been trod before. This requires a leap of faith.
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