Lagomorphic Resonance

Today I decided not to indulge in my ritual ingestion of a particular popular caffeinated soda beverage. I'm on a sort of quest to detox my body of all undesired chemical dependencies. But in the process of eliminating this agent, I feel my mind coming back under personal control. No longer in an unconscious frenzy to destroy all beauty, I can feel something emerging that is very rare to me: Peace. Naturally, stimulants are not very beneficial in attaining this state.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't totally hooked on some kind of stimulant. Starting in elementary school I was drinking coca cola on a near-daily basis. My parents would buy the decaffeinated kind so I wouldn't be up all night. But even then, it had high fructose corn syrup in it. So the past 13 years of my life I have been under the influence of these stimulant chemicals. And for the past 13 years I have suffered chronic depression. I was lucky enough not to be put on any sort of medication. But I was also unlucky enough to never really have anyone to connect with. I have felt extremely isolated my whole life, due to events in my childhood.

To summarize, when I was very young, my mother treated me differently than my siblings, and she made me feel special and loved. She was also a violent alcoholic and a drug user and she and my dad fought constantly. She left our house suddenly around when I was 5 years old. My sisters hated me because my mom didn't treat them like she treated me. So naturally, they bullied me. My dad decided to make up for what my mother did, and he would treat my sisters better than he treated me, to make them feel special. So when my mom left, I was stuck alone with an unbalanced family that psychologically scarred me. I was silent most of the time, just thinking more than anything. I would wait for my mother to come back. My father was silent towards me, unloving, uncaring. Acted like I wasn't there. I know it's somewhat normal for fathers to treat their sons this way, but after being raised by mother to feel like I was smart and cared for, and then to have that presence disappear, well... You get the picture. It created in me a feeling of abandonment, of despair and loss, a feeling that never quite went away. When she came back I was already gone.

To love is to be loved. The goal of my life is to heal from these wounds and to transcend the factors that have caused this grief. I have taken under my care a small rabbit. He was my younger sister's before I returned from Georgia, having escaped the farm. My sister would disappear for days on end, and I took upon the task of keeping him fed, and introduced exercise and proper attention to his life. She had been planning on giving him away to someone (clearly, a sign of responsibility and love), but I did not trust any of her friends to properly take care of this rabbit. They're not the very reliable people. So he fell under my care, to no complaints. He is helping me to love again.