I must offer a genuine apology for my public display of pitiful hopelessness stretched over the past week or so. As you are probably sick of hearing about, I am in the midst of quitting both ingestion of caffeine and inhalation of carcinogenic smoke containing nicotine. It has affected me much more strongly than I had imagined it would. Last night I was completely immersed in fatigue, depression, hate, and just plain misery. I think I'm over the nicotine withdrawal but this whole quitting caffeine business is really taking a toll on me.
So, I will attempt to avoid posting things that no one could possibly care about. Even though this is my blog and no one else's, I find myself a little ashamed of the poor quality of my recent posts. At the time of contemplation or suffering I use this as a forum to vent my emotions, but perhaps it's just not the best idea, and revealing a side of myself I am better off dealing with on my own.
That being said... There is something incredibly strange about what I've been enduring the past couple of weeks. Maybe even this whole year. It holds the general theme of a battle against evil within my own mind, but the strangest part is that I have the impression that winning will result in peace on earth. I feel myself receiving 'keys', magickal thoughtforms which temporarily fend away the encroaching darkness. But as soon as I find these mantras working, events will occur which negate those models for interaction and introduce contexts in which they do not work. This is part of the reason I'm trying not to tell people how I am currently viewing existence, because my viewpoint is changing constantly. In my mind I'm just sketching and erasing, sketching and erasing, but not quite getting a good view of what I'm drawing, or even what it is I'm drawing. I feel like in my mind I'm doing everything I can to tune in to an optimized stream of thought that will allow me to be at peace with my surroundings and to transcend the fear within me. But for some reason, that fear always seems to win in the end.
I want to think it's because I'm not really confronting it, but I have been for the past few weeks, and it's really, really hard. I always wanted to avoid the concept of "evil" but I have been experiencing something that I cannot label with any other word. It flashes through my mind like a sword in the dark, like the sudden sound of a lightning strike. I want to think it's been the source of all the pain in my life, maybe all of the suffering on earth, and I have a chance now to defeat it forever. I have been telling myself "I don't know what anything really is, I only know how it seems to me at the moment", like in Quantum Psychology. This frame of thought is helping me to think I am a lot more powerful spiritually than I assume I am, and that it is my purpose in this life to realize this.
What we think has a profound effect on our perceived reality. When I am meditating I become fully aware of the impact that the thoughts I am actively creating are having on my surroundings, they are actually one and the same, it just depends on what I am tuned into that creates my reality and its potential. And yet, there is this devil on my shoulder, there is something telling me I must forego exploring creative realms, and it does not seem to be a helpful presence. It seems to be something that is stopping me from transmutation, to keep me enmeshed in a cycle of submissive seeking outside for what I already have. This is my primary reason for quitting my ritual drugs, to realize I have everything I need and that salvation does not come from any outside force. I am hoping this will loosen the grip of the entity that has been attached to me for so long, with all of its masks, all of its deceptions of hope. My idea of salvation is something that one initiates on their own.
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