The Collapse

I'm starting to notice a strange disconnect between myself and humanity. I rarely talk to humans on a regular basis - as in, face to face. I talk to my sister for about 30 minutes or less every day. Living with my family and having no friends where I currently live, my life is basically a sterilized bubble. Most of my time is spent in either silence or music. I read sometimes but not often enough. I've realized that most of my time is spent on social media outlets, but rarely ever contributing my own point of view. It's a side effect of noticing the way that other people communicate through these mediums and just not resonating. What's good is that I am able to view life through a quasi-hermetic seal, watching the fluctuations in the sphere of influence my attention has granted me. But all I'm seeing is people pissing into a black hole. Living socially entirely through the internet is entirely meaningless. There's a great japanese movie about this called "Kairo" (not to be confused with Cairo, Egypt), where people basically disappear into their rooms and become ghosts transmitted through the computers of other people. All that is left of their human form is a black stain.

Somewhat ironically, the data overload of the internet is resulting in a general lack of real information. Sure, you can search for just about anything and find a result, but there's no real curiosity, in terms of thinking that you may not find what you were looking for. There's no "meat" to justify your searches. I'm guessing this is entirely in my mind, and that's the thing, it's becoming harder and harder for me to find some sort of tribe to fit into. Someone to relate to. Anyone. It's not even that I'm in this permanent state of despair, most of the time I am just fine in my bubble. But the tension is growing and this thing is about to pop. My current form of thinking (or reality model) is not very creative. I feel like I'm in a sort of inverted panopticon. In my mind I feel totally vulnerable, as if every little thought I have can have totally drastic results on the physical world. It doesn't really allow for creative exploration, it doesn't let me test things out unless they fit what I think will be a positive result in the cause and effect mechanism I have, up to now, felt out. I am a weird person, I want to think strange things, but lately I feel transparent, and being in a family atmosphere I feel like I have these self-imposed limitations that may or may not be valid. This is also a side effect of the social pressure I feel from outlets like Facebook. It's more about maintaining the "respect" of your "followers" or "friends" (which just means "shut up unless you have something nice to say") through consensus views rather than radical ideas. I feel like I cannot be authentic, I cannot express myself as I please through these new norms of global communication. I have basically been completely at a loss for words concerning reality itself. I have no idea what's "real" anymore, I have no foundation on which to form "valid" opinions, and it's becoming near impossible for me to communicate the ideas that I do have. I just simply can't put into words the beauty and grace that I see around and within me, I have no outlet to express the inexpressible I am interacting with on a daily basis. I find myself constructing and deconstructing ideas faster than I can blink, nothing is holding ground. I would see it as a good thing in the sense that I am much less likely to subscribe to ideology, but my isolation is making me wonder if I'm doing what's best for me. I'm sure I'll see all of this entirely differently seconds from now. Things are just happening way too fast for me to comprehend.