vomit my thoughts into my blog. I'm not angry these days as much as I am just drained by everything. I am witnessing this strangely beautiful play of forces of will, but it's all rushing by so fast that I cannot pinpoint one single thing to focus on. My recent times have been marked by the depression which I have found will return no matter which decisions I make, no matter what path I take. I find myself feeling suicidal more often than usual, wanting to float into nothingness to find some sort of relief from the pain that I feel. It makes it hard to really make any progress, to really find worth in anything.
I feel myself entirely immersed in the Sync Web rather than observing it. I cannot pinpoint the differences in a sort of sync-less reality used for reference from one filled with meaningful coincidence. It's all blurring together and making even less sense than it ever did. I feel like I won't make it past this year if things keep going the way they are inside of me. But I have been in this place many times before and always seem to make it out... This time, though, I am putting up much less of a fight. I am giving in to what hurts me, I am submitting to the pain. I don't want to fight it anymore, I will probably ride this downward spiral until the end.
I feel my spiritual debt is very steep indeed... But I find it strange that I have followed the path of my intuition and found worth in things that really matter to me instead of what matters to everyone else, and I have still found myself circling the drain. I'm not entirely sure what to do anymore.
7 comments:
Dang,
long time no see my friend...
all I can say is
c r e a t e
if your not,
you will be pulled into the void
as it's what we're all here to do,
and there's no meaning to our lives if we don't...
and no matter whether you think it's 'good' or 'bad',
just create, it is what it is, as it comes out, and your well being needs it....
be well
I have no advice you don't already know. I do however appreciate when you share your thoughts. I appreciate your art and think that a time will come either in life or in death when you will realize the importance of your natural skill as an multi-talented artist. I hope you find IT soon or it finds you. I think about suicide from time to time too. Lately Ive been wondering if the thoughts come from outside influences. I'm investigating this on a daily basis. But I think more people think about suicide then you or I could ever suspect.
I hope you get another 'up' soon.
Peace, brother Tom
tommy,
thank you for your thought vomit :) even though it may not seem like it, this post is light in the darkness. i have been feeling so much the same way, so you are not alone. (although i don't think i could even articulate it as well as you did). it brings me a little peace to read your words and to know that i'm not the only one, yet it hurts my heart to know that a fellow being is feeling such despair.
even though it is painful, and exhausting, i think there is something beautiful and real about staying present and really feeling it.
"The greater the tension, the greater is the potential. Great energy springs from a correspondingly great tension between opposites." Carl Jung
what happens when we go down the drain anyway?
wishing you peace and inspiration. take care,
crystal
Hi Tommy,
Thanks so much for sharing. You're not alone. It's a struggle each and every day holding this frequency. And even when you think you're sure you really don't ever completely knowing why you're doing it.
I think we're all exhausted. I know I am. But you guys here in the Sync World keep my spirits up. When life gets too trying it's okay to hide in here with us.
Together we're strong enough to hold on just a little bit longer knowing something greater is coming.
Your Sync Sister & fellow Atlantan,
Sibyl
I really can't express how it makes me feel to have you guys supporting me. Thank you so much, all of you. I have a little bit of an "upper" post boiling around in my head as I type this...
much love, Tommy
I've been down that road, my friend. In 2006 I almost died of anorexia, bcm homeless, had nothing, had shut everybody out and would not seek out help. People were cruel, went through a third divorce. I couldn't take any more of this life. I wasn't intentionally trying to "disappear", it was just happening & I was "going away", & came w/in a few hours of death. There are some really bad spirits out there, & like the boatman, they want to ferry your soul to the underworld where there really is no hope. I know, I've been there, & so have we all. In this body there is hope & choices. I know some of these guys: Thoth, Jupiter/Zeus, Isis. I never knew I was following & serving them until the anorexia & after when I chose to live & not die. After I made the decision to live, I knew I was going to have to 'change the radio frequency' I had been listening to, make a 180 & go the other way. I let go of my religion, my rigid thinking, opened myself up to others & sought help where I would not do it before. If your antenna is tuned into the 'god of death', then all you'll see is darkness devoid of life, hopelessness, deep depression. That's what these gods bring to us. I am finding help, set goals, made plans, accomplished the goals I set, and, most beneficially, made some really worthy friends along my new road. I'm even going back to college in my 50s. The anorexia & near-suicide disabled me, but I am so excited to be alive & have another chance to change my path. And, yes, I did win the battle over the anorexia. Please, please, Tommy, don't listen to anything that leads you down that dark path. Look at it this way, Tommy & friends, if you were to take your life, get to the other side & find out you were wrong, there's no changing it, ever. This life is so precious (I do not believe in reincarnation) that it's worth it to hang onto w/all you've got...I may need to start my own blog to tell my own story, just bcs of you. I hope that my own experiences w/deep darkness & near-death can give hope to someone else contemplating death, & then what I've suffered will not be in vain if it saves your life. I want to keep reading your blog. I love researching synchronicity, as I've seen it revealed so much in my own life. Jake's work got me going, too. Keep up the good work & keep blogging, cuz I'll be back to see how you're doing. Thanks, BrightStar.
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