Did I die?

I haven't made any posts in the last couple of months. This is because I have begun doing volunteer work on an organic farm in Roswell, Georgia. It's hard to sum up everything that's been going on with me since so much has happened. I've quit smoking cigarettes and weed and I've quit drinking (the only "drug" I do regularly now is tea), I've become more healthy in general and work more than I ever have. I've always enjoyed spending time immersed in nature, now I work outside with plants every day, and live where I work. Which is always nice.

What's kind of funny to me is that even after this transformation, the ever-present Sync is still with me. I guess I thought (even feared) that the "magic" of the symbolic structures I've read and experienced over the last 3 years would escape me. Now, it seems more prevalent and meaningful than ever. Where there was once a sense of enclosure and despair, the mystery of the beyond-coincidental chronological appearance of certain symbols to my point of view has returned. I no longer wish to appease the paranoid mindset of so many writers concerning this subject, it is all based on shallow fear and rigid beliefs when there is seemingly more to it than what some perceive as the bars of a cosmic, all-encompassing jail cell.

A volunteer who had visited my farm for a week was very much involved in this continuing evolution of consciousness. She called herself Kika, she would wear a shirt that said "Oz Bus" on it (bus is sub[conscious] backwards), and I developed strong feelings for her very quickly, and experienced some of the worst heartbreak anxiety I've ever been through. She is an astrological Tiger, relating to the current chinese zodiac year, and she is 24 years old. She had taken a bus from London to Australia, and then a ship from there to America. I couldn't tell her how I felt. Who falls in love over the period of less than a week? Surely someone who is only infatuated, lonely and dependent. She was back on the road before I could even begin to express how I felt. It was an extremely emotionally turbulent time for me, and when she left I sent her an email telling her a very basic outline of how I felt, to see if there was even a hint of mutual bonds between us. She has yet to respond, and it all seems a little futile. I don't know why I invest so much hope in my love being returned when I'm far too shy to say how I really feel. Rejection is a nail in my coffin, as far as my ego is concerned.

When I am not immersed in meditation, I am becoming stronger, more experienced and I am breaking the illusion I've held for so long of there being chains holding me down. The chain links are the synchronicities we experience, our minds are almost like the parents of the growing baby of Being. Whatever explanation we attach to these synchronicities is what is most appropriate for our point of view to develop towards an ever-blooming, open-ended conscious realization. The doubt, anxiety and fear which some people attach to their perception of this flower of consciousness is somewhat enlightening, as it is a lesson they are continuously learning, proving that we all find just what we are looking for eventually.

What we think we know as the truth is only what is the most comfortable environment for the "parents" known as our minds to nurture the growing child of our inner being. The depths at which we are capable of perceiving our reality are harrowing, beautiful, abyssal and overall, the essence of our journey itself.

Thanks for reading.